Cue the pretty piano.

So i wait on progress but nothing happens at all. And I wait on unknowing where my life's gonna fall. Then I rose. I've seen firefly's. Will that keep you alive?

Where do you go? Where have you been? Where are you now? When will this end? I'm burning inside. I can't sleep at night, My heart is on fire. I know that somethings not right.

So I talk to my & a lovers say's "Why do you haft to go away?" These days don't make sense. I feel like I'm lost again, yet again. I might have made mistakes in the past but now theirs dust on the glass. & My lips are dry. I see the light I feel fine. I see your light but you don't shine.

Where do you go? Where have you been? Where are you now? When will this end? I'm burning inside. I can't sleep at night, My heart is on fire. I know that somethings not right.

no titles right now.

Like I said before.

...lonesomeness is a bitch.

I ordered myself a pizza and a salad. Nothing fancy but its low key like me.

So I'm watching some show called Surface. Its about a sea monster or some shit. I don't know. I'm just trying to pass the time.

Getting ready to give Lily a bath, then bed time.

Then I will consume some adult beverages. Nothing too much but a few wont hurt.

-j

Song of the evening.

Phoenix - Long Distance Call.



Where to go I had no idea
26.10 was the price to pay
A messed up kid with no ideals at all
I thought those 26.10 I shouldn't give'em away

I remember this young guy died and I took his part He got far too many stitches on his pretty face Long time to see but I always thought us two would be serious I was looking around town, thinking the same as you

I'm far gone but your long distance call And your capital letters keep me asking for more

It's never been like that
It's never been like that

I'm far gone but your long distance call And your capital letters keep me asking for more

Where to go I had no idea about it
Most of the people do, there're only doing just fine I don't wanna stay in place no more, see Ain't doing well well well, I am only doing just fine

long time no see, long time no say
Got little to tell, I don't say much but I might Something always told me us two would be serious I am looking around town, thinking the same as you

I'm far gone but your long distance call And your capital letters keep me asking for more

It's never been like that
It's never been like that

I'm far gone but your long distance call And your capital letters keep me asking for more

Long time no see... Long time no say...

Umm......

Hello,

Anyone listening to the USA vs Canada game?? Man its a really good hockey game. DAMN USA almost just tied the game up man a great save from Canada. Shit.

Going to spend the New Year alone. Well Lily will be here. Other than that I will ring in the New Year by myself. Sucks but worse has happened.

Well you all be safe! don't drink & drive!

Happy New Year Y'all!

-j

And I wanted to be

Well it's all in your mind
It's all in your mind
Well it's all in your mind

And I wanted to be
I wanted to be
Wanted to be your good friend

Well I cannot believe
You got a devil up your sleeve
And he's talking to me
And I cannot believe

And I wanted to be
I wanted to be your good friend

You're all scared and stiff
A sick stolen gift
And the people you're with
They're all scared and stiff

And I wanted to be

Guess I'm Doing Fine

There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the songs he sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don’t look the same to me

I just wade the tides that turned
Till I learn to leave the past behind

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Got no time to watch them grow

Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

Press my face up to the window
To see how warm it is inside
See the things that I’ve been missing
Missing all this time

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

Tuesday.

Hello,

I'm really tired today. Work is slow & I keep falling asleep. LOL.

Anyone been paying attention to the World Juniors hockey?? Team USA is undefeated right now. They are going up against Canada tomorrow, I will hopefully watch it. It will be a tight battle. GO TEAM USA!!

I'm worried about someone I love very much. She's going threw a lot right now; I wish there was something I can do to help her/protect her from all of this. Sadly there’s nothing at all. I don’t even think she will turn to me for support. She has new people to turn too. Gym buddies or whatever. She and her parents deserve a lot more from a certain person. To see such good people go threw all of this is uncalled for and a fucking shame. They are such amazing people and they are family to me.

But I'm not family anymore. Makes me sad; breaks my heart really.

Tonight is going to be busy. Eric is in town and I'm going to go hang with him. I'm excited to see him. I can foresee a lot of drinks being had.

Take care everyone.

-j

This is a band most people hate but this song is amazing. Do me a favor; close your eyes & just listen to the lyrics.

An explanation :the act of giving details about something or reasons for something.

So I need to explain a few things. The main thing is my decision to move out of Napa.

So let’s begin. I’m moving on in my life. Moving on from old feelings and trying to put it all behind me. I’ve learned my lesson. I will not repeat past mistakes. I feel as if I’m “out growing” my skin….and this town. I need to experience more in my life, more experiences to help me on the journey of self discovery. Everything that has happened up to this point has shaped me into the man I am now. I would not change a single thing. It has all happened for reason’s unknown, but I don’t need to know. I just need to experience a new life for me and my little girl. I feel like moving from Napa is the right thing to do at this point in my life. I don’t want to see anyone…not in a bad way. Please don’t take it that way…I just want to distance myself from people, this town and this routine I know too well. I need to not be hurt anymore. I need to be the rock I want to be and get on with my life. I’ll face the facts, in fact I stare them in the eye’s everyday. My hopes & faiths in people have been misguided. As unfortunate as that my be, it’s ok. The path of rediscovery sometimes takes you that way. Every day is a fight for me.

"Reconcile to the relief
consumed in sacred ground for me
there wasn't always a place to go
but there was always an urgent need to belong

all these bands and
all these people
all these friends and
we were equals but
what you gonna do
when everybody goes on without you?”

That’s on a loop in my head every second of every day.

“With another victory, I pass right under the sun, my war is over but a new one has begun.”

I’m ready to win again. I’m the winning team & if you don’t want to be apart of that, I understand. Actually I don’t but I don’t need too. Any of you can think what you will about my decisions, thoughts or actions. I don’t really care. I need to do what’s right for me.

I will say my good bye’s soon enough.

Until then,

-j

Old song I forgot about. Check it. It’s a good expression of how I feel. It’s great how music can do that...expresses things I have a difficult time expressing.

Hope you enjoy.

Hey man, you keep the shackles, cause I am free. (watch me now)

Monday morning.

Long, tired & HUNGRY!! I'm gonna go home for lunch.

Had a good night last night.

Class and mom time tongiht. Gonna be fun. She & I are going to look for apts for me in the bay. Should be cool. I'm going to look at one this week. I think Friday.

Peace punx.

-j

Song of the day - Transplants - DJ DJ.

Best vurse at the 3:17 mark. Peep the lyrics below.

"I heard you're losing your mind, shit, I been lost mine
But I still stay focused through good and bad times
Compare your worst fuckin' day to my best fuckin' night
I bet my last red cent that you couldn't stand the sight
From loss of loved ones to life of drug funds
They counted me out, from what? I'm not done
Give me a chance to shine and I'ma blind the world
Take a stand and be the voice of those who cannot be heard"

FUCK the sappy shit!!

Now I'm starting to see Baby's got nothing to do with me.

created void.

Let’s do this for each other
Let’s do this for truth
I give for you, you give for me
Let me take you somewhere, I can not explain

I’m stumbling right in front of you now
I won’t refrain from guiding you there

Normal is not so far
Was it just a dream
Or something much more
We are not alone
Since you agreed to follow

It’s all in my head, if you want, you can look inside
There’s nothing but red and all the mess I’ve been
It’s all in the way I say what I don’t mean, and mean what I don’t
I need to speak of you and what is real

They will never understand
What eats at our insides

It’s all in my head, if you want, you can look inside
There’s nothing but red and all the mess I’ve been
It’s all in the way I say what I don’t mean, and mean what I don’t
I need to speak of you and what is real

Journey To The End.

"Reconcile to the relief
consumed in sacred ground for me
there wasn't always a place to go
but there was always an urgent need to belong

all these bands and
all these people
all these friends and
we were equals but
what you gonna do
when everybody goes on without you?

to the end to the end I'll journey to the end"

That's the message folks.

Lazy Saturday afternoon. I hung out with LJ and Lily.

Also looking at apartments in the Easy bay. Thinking about moving in January/Feb. the sooner the better. There's new life & love waiting for me in the city by the bay. I just need to find it. Most people wont see me; I should say a lot of you wont.

It's time for me to sign out of this 4 star town and learn to live again.

Till next time.

-j

A Dustland Fairytale

This ones for you.

Final thoughts and butchering song lyrics.

"feels like nothing's changing. maybe nothing never will. I was looking for rejection & she seemed to fit the bill. Well I'm a non believer, always lying on my back. She's been walking around in long sleeves just to hide our tracks.

I scream hold on, hold on. Emotion."

Shot's with Nick is always fun, even when I'm breaking his heart.

Tonight's final song of the night. Is a song about my soon to be new home. I'm bound for the east bay people. Soon enough I will call it home.

The first verse is the important one. Just listen, promise you will understand.


Take it away. Like you did to me.

The First Day Of My Second Life.

Roaming through shambles
Hand in hand
Our fingernails digging into palm
To indicate our first first reaction
Soaked my shoulder with your eyes
I run through my head
Without caution to find the words
To get you to stop
Sobbing I utter the phrases
Of what we will build back up
Won't make the same mistakes again
We will talk
Won't pull away when
One wants to show affection
Soaked your shoulder with my eyes
Overwhelmed by emotion
Overwhelmed with the feeling
That everything will be OK
Overwhelmed everyone will be
Take these new songs of youth
Because you are aware
Write new songs for youth
Because they rot inside
It just showed up
Bags in hand, bags in hand
It gives me chills
How easy I thought it would be
So I let it in
Bags in hand, bags in hand...

Friday morning.

Hello.

Today is going to be long.

I'm going to delete my myspace. I don't need it anymore. I'm also out of this town. I'm going to move...nothing is here for me anymore. I will figure out what to do with the kid.

This town is only a reminder of every fault I repent.

Today I'm going somewhere. I dont know where. but somewhere far.

Two songs for today w/ lyrics.

The background.



Everything is quiet, Since you're not around,
And I live in the numbness now.
In the background.
I do the things we did before,
I walk Haight Street to the store,
And they say where's that crazy girl?
You don't get drunk on red wine, And fight no more,
I don't see you anymore,
Since the hospital,
The plans I make still have you in them,
Cause you come swimming into view,
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you,
I only know because I carry you around,
In the background.
I'm in the background

Words they come and memories all repeat,
Lift your head while they change the hospital sheets,
I would never lie to you, No
I would never lie to you, No
I felt you long after we were through.
When we were through

The plans I make still have you in them,
Cause you come swimming into view,
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you,
I only know because I carry you around,
In the background.

Cause I felt you long after we were through.

When you come swimming into view,
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you,
I only know because I'm way, I'm way,
In the background,
I'm in the background

AND

God of Wine.



Every thought that I repent,
There's another chip you haven't spent,
And you're cashing them all in,
Where do we begin. To get clean again,
Can we get clean again.
I walk home alone with you, And the mood you're born into,
Sometimes you let me in, And I take it on the chin.
I can't get clean again. I want to know, Can we get clean again,
The God of Wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car
that, took you farther than you thought you'd ever want to go,
We can't get back again, We can't get back again

She takes a drink and then she waits,
The alcohol it permeates,
And soon the cells give way, And cancels out the day.

I can't keep it all together
(It's been all (or "It's the world)......Stuck underneath the moon),
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know...I can't keep it all together
(It's been all......Stuck underneath the moon).
And the siren's song that is your madness,
Holds a truth I can't erase, All alone on your face.

Every glamorous sunrise, Throws the planets out of line,
A star sign out of whack, A fraudulent zodiac.
And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room,
You let me down, I said it,
Now I'm going down, you're not even around.
And I said no no no no no no no no no...

I can't keep it all together,
(It's been all......Stuck underneath the moon),
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know...I can't keep it all together,
(It's been all......Stuck underneath the moon),
And there's a memory of a window, Looking through I see you.
Searching for something, I could never give you,
There's someone who understands you more than I do.
A sadness I can't erase. All alone on your face.


Have a safe new year.

-j.

Xmas Eve.

Hello,

Sorry for the lack of writing. Been having a lazy bones Jones day. Been a really reflective kind of day.

Had fun at LJ's last night. A lot of fun was had with my brother and I. Good times.

Looking forward to Christmas.

Well that's it for right now.

Song for the evening will pull the heart strings. It pulls on mine.

Something to live by.

Tuesday Morning.

OH SHIT!!

I over slept. I was 45mins late. See that come w/ the insomnia. I have meds for it but I don’t like taking them and I end up sleeping too long. Like today. LOL. It’s not the end of the world, my manager just laughed at me. I felt hella bad.

Feeling good so far today, I hope it keep on going.

I have a busy night ahead of me. Class, therapy, & LJ Xmas party. Should make for a busy evening.

I’ll make room for you if you need me.

-j

The song is by The Get up Kids.

UPDATE: Thoughts.

This will be brief.

I have taken so much for granted in life. I'm not anymore.

I love life. I love my friends. I love Lily. I love Michelle. I love my mom & dad. I love my brother. I love my job. I love Christmas. I love new years.

I will not take any of you or anything that is my life for granted anymore. I'm not asking anyone for 2nd chances. Only new futures. Better futures. Forget the past & take my hand, lets move forward. One day at a time.

You will see. I'm a better me.

Progress will be made. And has been.

My name is John Morales & I love myself. I love my life.

Merry Christmas.

Monday @ Scott's.

Hello loyal readers,

Sorry for the lack of posting. Been having a lazy day.

Got off work early today. I went home and watched like 8 episodes of Jericho. I like it.

Went to class today, got punched in the head pretty good. Got my bell rung some may say. It helps with the healing process.

I'm so grateful to have my BEST friend back. You can't take the smile off my face. I won't let anyone of you.

@ Scott's watching he and Nat bake cookies. SMELLS YUMMY!! I wanna try baking something this weekend.

Song of the evening. This is a very honest song. I'm being honest.



Be safe friends.

-j

Sunday.

Tonight is going to brief.

Today was a beautiful day. Today was an amazing day.

I'm going to be selfish and keep the details to myself.

There my memories and moments.

I'm gonna keep'em that way.

Song for tonight is for you Michelle. Promise me you will listen.

Take it away boys.



-j

Saturday.

Hello.

Today has been a good day so far. No complaints. Hanging with Nick & the fam.

I bought myself a nice xmas present. I new acoustic guitar. It's pretty damn nice and country lookin. I will post a pic of sometime soon.

Ummmm....gonna hang with Brian tonight. He's going to come by and hang. Might go to the outlets. Who knows. We'll figure it out.

Going to class tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I was only there once last week due to sickness. Tim wanted me to take the remaining part of the week off to rest. I hate being side lined.

Well gonna go play Star Wars.

Peace.

- J

Song of the day. Third Eye Blind - The Background

Friday afternoon (REVISED).

Hello,

Work is terribly slow today. Nothing much to do that I haven’t already done. LAME.

Tonight I’m going to make Lily & me some dinner. I think burritos. Scott is supposed to come over as well. I think we’re going to watch some movies or something. Good times.

Staying positive today. The dragon keeps the negative at bay. Thanks buddy, job well done. I’m not going to waste my time. I wish to live in a better place in my mind and heart. Change I enjoy.

Well if anyone wants to come hang out with the kid and I. Give me a call. We might watch Elf tonight.

Stay classy,

OK I decided. Song of the evening. Third Eye Blind - Losing a whole year.



-j

Friday in the AM (stick to the side roads, they help interesting thoughts)

Greetings Earth people,

Last night was great. Hanging w/ the Family, Tommy & Ashley came by. I left Tommy some comic book’s & one of my favorite PS2 games; Ico. I also went out to the Bounty Hunter with Dave, his GF (I’m not going to even try to spell her name) & my trainer Tim. Had a drink and went home. It was a quick trip. Nice & fun. Dave’s GF & I made plans to go out when she gets back from her holiday trip. Go get some drink @ a few spots I know.

Work is slow. Trying to find something to do but it’s slow. My manager is out of the office today so I’m steering the ship. Forecast shows smooth sailing for the remainder of the game.

Personal life = no complaints. I’m feeling great body, soul & mind. I found my balance. I have good friends and that’s all I need.

I’m really looking forward to LJ’s holiday party. It will be fun hanging with the guys and not have work the next morning.

Well have a good day.

More later.

Stay classy Napa,

-j

Song of the morning. PTW - Apathy Is A Cold Body

Thursday w the family (REVISED).

Hello All.

Its been a really good day. I'm at home with the family (Nick, Nicole, Mag & Lily)!! It's very nice. Tommie & Ashley are gonna come by too. I like them a lot and Tommy is one cool cat. I rather enjoy them. Good & positive energy's today.

I LOVE IT!! I can see clearly on a cloudy day!! It's rather nice.

I've been really upbeat and chill all week (except when I was sick).

Been seeing Scott a lot lately; its nice to have TRUE friends backing my corner. I owe you all a lot (you know who you all are). I feel great and having good people around me helps. All negative people & energy's can leave me alone. I don't need them. See I'm truly in a very peaceful place right now. With that being said the albatross around my neck has been removed. I don't need to be held down. No not at all.

I have a few dates just around the horizon. They are going to be FUN times. I think PF Chang's is where one will take place. The other is still being decided.

Work has been very good. I got a Christmas bonus and a possibly a raise soon. HELL YEAH!!!

well I hope you're all having a good evening and a good holiday. Anyone going to LJ's holiday party?? I will be there. Drinking and having a blast.

Peace fellow napkins.

-j.

I had to change the song for the evening. See Nick & I are chilling and the Ipod is on shuffle and Billy Joel came on. I needed to update the song....fit's my mood a whole lot better.

My boy Billy Joel - My life

Tuesday at home sick.

Hello.

I have felt like shit all day long. In fact I woke up around 4am throwing up and have been until around 4pm.

But I'm starting to feel better. I'm hoping I can go into work tomorrow. We'll see.

Gonna keep in brief.

Song for tonight is The Used - the taste of ink.



I like this song.

peace.

a euphoric transcendent state in which somebody is overwhelmed by happiness or delight and unaware of anything else.

there was a rapture, so i can never see you anymore
nightmares believable, walking into sweet oblivion
i'm not saying it's easy, to feel it all nor not at all
when somebody say, lay down your gun
and when you lay it down, get ready to run

situation dire, it's gone away, it's not going away
since you're wasting time again, my friend
on bonnie brae, on bonnie brae

if she's your master, then get down on your knees and beg for more
i'm not saying it's easier, to live your life like her little whore

'cuz when you play with fire, take your fate, it's not going away
situation dire, on bonnie brae
on bonnie brae, on bonnie brae

the soul, the screen, the smoke in between
the rise, the fall, the thrill of...
the first, the last, the sins of the past
the burn, the fade, the skin that you've flayed
come see, the sun, kill everyone

but me, i'm free indubitably

You think you're personal attacks make up for what you lack??

I am having a great morning. Plenty of tea & positive thoughts. Good for me.

The start of a new week is something I rather enjoy these days. I never know what’s ahead of me and I kind of enjoy it.

I moving on up!! Date soon, brother will be in town, father is going to visit soon. I can't ask for anymore than that.

So I consider it a win.

Song of the day fits just right.

Stay classy fellow napkins.

-J

Dustine Kensure - Consider the Ravens.

One more for you.

I also just came across this beautiful montage of images to the song The Killer, also by the Twilight Singers.

This is not only an amazing song but Scott if you read this, the lyrics are really nice.

They apply when needed.

I'm so fucking lame. LOL.

Sunday evening chillin.

Hello.

Today has been a very good day.

Its been wet and I enjoy the rain.

I went down to the outlets today. Scott came as well and we walked around window shopping. I ended up buying a really nice pair of pants & sweater from Calvin Klein. I also asked this cute girl who worked there out for a drink. Well she turned out to be on 17. Scott and I had a good laugh out of it. Needless to say I'm not interested in ANY 17 year old. She looked in her early 20's. Scott thought so too.

Scott has some things he's dealing with. I feel for him and can only hope he is as ok as he seems. I think he is. He's a great guy and men like us don't deserve the things that have happened.

O well.

LOL.

I'm currently watching the X Files and drinking a nice cup of tea. Soothing for the soul.

Take care. More later.

So my song for this posting, is going to be The Twilight Singers - Bonnie Brae. But wile looking for good version of the song on youtube, I stumbled on to this. Not only do I know what it's like to wanna do this but its fucking bad ass. And pretty funny. Plus the song is in it. It's kind of long but its worth it. Hope you enjoy.



Or if you wanna just check out the song. Please see below cool live video.

Easy Tiger!!

Hello,

It's Sunday morning. Its a nice morning. I didn't have class cause Tim wasn't feeling very good. Nicole made a bad ass breakfast. I love a womens cooking.

I going on a date!! HELL YEAH!! The lovely young lady I have mentioned and I are going to get dinner (I'm thinking PF Chang's or somewhere up valley) and maybe a movie. We still need to work out some of the details. I'm really pumped about it!! It should be nice and she seemed excited as well. She has school and 2 job's so it will probably be around Xmas time. I'm totally into that.

Today I might drive out to see her. If she ended up staying home from work & if she's cool with that. I haven't talked with her about it yet. She's been sick so I can make her some soup & bring some of my tea.

Tonight I'm going to meet up with Jon & Mario & get ready for our new D&D campain.

Well I gotta go. Gonna go clean my room and take a shower.

Peace. Be safe.

Song for today. I totally forgot about this band but they poped into my head for some reason. The Lost Prophets - Last Train Home. its a fun sing along song.

enjoy!

A very nice song.

I just heard this song. Its a really nice, heart felt song.

Check it. I really like it a lot.

Rob Thomas - Little Wonders.

Saturday Morning.

Hello.

Last night was a fucking blast!! I really had fun hanging out with Brian, Jon, Mario, Lisa & Ashely. The place we went too was bad ass too!! I really enjoy absinthe. Its a really good drink.

Ashely & I spent along time talking about alot of things last night. It was really awesome just to share thought & feelings with someone new. She was really cool. She is a great person and I hope to hang with her soon. Her and Tommy are good people. And the need to come over soon.

Werley & I also spent a good wile talking. This guy is solid and I really enjoy having him around. He and I need to spend more time together.

It was one of those night where you know you're with good people and everything is going to be OK.

Nicole and I are going to clean the house today. We are also going to take the kids out. Possibly get an Xmas tree.

Should be fun.

Have a good day.

-J

Song of the day. Well....doesn't need an explanation.

The Skunx

That’s right we’re out in full force tonight. Going rat pack style and going to hit the city. I super pumped about it and I get to drink some absinth!!


Hopefully I show some sort of control and not fall in love with it…that might be bad. LOL. I’m only kidding. Tonight is going to be good.

Work is slow today. Trying to pass the time & find things to do but I’m not finding much.

Sharks won last night. Told you we would. Can you say shut out mother f’ers?? That’s right the Quacks didn’t have nothing on the best team in the NHL!!!

Made plans to go see the cute gal I know, I invited her to go tonight but she’s sick and had been all week. I’m looking forward to that too.

I have a lot of things to look forward to!!

Be Safe.

Peace.

J.

Today’s song is for my Skunx Brethren. You know who you are.

Working update.

Hello world.

Work is back to being slow. Sadly. I want to remain busy as much as possible. I enjoy being busy, makes the day fly by.

I’m going to pack Shell's stuff today and tmrw. I'm looking forward to seeing it all go. I don't need reminders of the past. Only good memories, that’s what I will hold on too and I do. Example; the first night she stayed the night at my apt. She fibbed to her parents & we had an amazing time together. I bought some French toast (at the time her favorite) stuff for her. It was blissful. See I think there we're a lot more good than bad. And after the way this has all happened, I just want to put it all behind me and look forward to what life has in store for me. And I do. She's someone I don’t know anymore and as sad as it is....things happen for a reason. I do think she’s going to end up regretting letting our relationship go down the shitter but that’s her decision. I just hope she's happy and wish her the best of luck. I mean that sincerely. I’m not angry, bitter, or hold any resentment. I’m accepting of this change and as Dustin Kensrue wrote “I’ve grown sick & tired of always trying to stand still, learn to let wind blow me where it will.”

Good luck with whatever it is you’re going to do in life. Just make it count. I'm proud of you. I love you and here when you’re ready. If ever.

Let’s move on (can you see my theme)??

This evening I’m hopefully going to go to class. I’m going to see how Lily is doing first. Then I will decide. Also going to finish plans for Friday, I need to get my suit ready. Choose my shirt & tie. Kamecia is going to come by & give me a hair cut in exchange for some dinner for her and Kyle. I need to look sharp see. The ladies love a sharp dressed man. LOL. And trust me when I say, I clean up very well. I’m super excited about it. A nice night on the town.

Sharks play tonight. Best team in the league right now and we are steam rolling threw teams. Well most of the time. Only a few losses on the season. Tonight we face the Ducks. I know we can take’em!! There are nowhere near are level. I think the only team that can compare is Detroit & maybe Boston. Those two teams are good as well.

Well back to work fool’s. Catch you all later.

Song for now. Goo Goo Doll’s – Iris. It’s a nice song and makes me smile. Good thought, good feelings. But you gotta listen!! Promise??

Wednesday evening.

Today was spent hanging with Lily, Mag and Nicole. After the kids went down for a nap, Nicole and I cleaned the hell out of the Apt. A clean home helps a clean soul. Don't think were going to go see Santa. Its a little late and Lily looks really tired. I'm not going to class tonight. I wanna stay home with Lily. My new work schedule stars tomorrow so I can actually have her stay the night with me on Wednesday & Fridays. I missed her.

Nicole and I have been talking a lot. It's nice to have people around who have my back. Who see things in my view and will stand by my side. I love all of them, I'm not gonna name anyone but you know who you all are. Your support and love is priceless.

Tonight's song doesn't need an explanation.



Have a good night party people and be safe.

I will write more thoughts later this evening. I really enjoy bloging.

-J

Abandon! Abandon!

Some cool lyrics from the Jealous Sound. Songs called Abandon! Abandon!

You should check it out.


You could kill me with kindness
Could you cure me from blindness
And if not, then help me medicate

It seems I caught cold when I was two years old
It won't seem to go away
For the first time in a long time
Feeling better today

Can you feel me now
I am stronger
I am no longer overcome
I am overjoyed

All the doubters surround me
And their whispers astound me
And I think I hear my name

So I call out from the bottle
In the sunny and the startled
But everything is still the same

Can you feel me now
I am stronger
I am no longer overcome
I am overjoyed

Don't bail out, abandon
Don't throw you hands in
The burning mistake
Is your constant companion

It's your last chance
It's your window
Don't fuck up you can't lose
And it's everything you need

Do you tear the bandage off
And you clear your throat and cough
If you can't move
Then just believe

Can you feel me now
I am stronger
I am no longer overcome
I am overjoyed

So bail out, abandon
Don't throw you hands in
The burning mistake
Is your constant companion

Can you feel me now
I am stronger
I am no longer overcome
I am overjoyed

Drop dead or drop down?

Hmmmm interesting things people are telling me.

lets move on. Cause I am.

Today I stayed home from work. Lily was sick last night & I wanted her to stay home to get some rest. Kamecia thought it was a good idea as well. She is acting fine w/ no fever or anything. Just threw up again. I think it's cause everyone at her mom's house is still sick with the flu. So I think Nicole and I are going to take Mag & Lily to see Santa today (if Lily starts to feel any better). Should be a lot of fun.

I think I'm going to get lunch from Small World today. I love the pita's they make. Their to DIE for.

Let's see what else?? I'm feeling pretty good today. Gonna work out all of the details for Friday. Hopefully the lovely young lady I mentioned in a previous post can join us. I would really like her to come with. A night out on the town w/ friends & a date sounds pretty nice to me. Yeah? I think so. We'll just wait and see. We're going to be going to a really nice Speak Easy in the city. Gonna kick major ass. Lily is going to stay with her mother. I can occasionally get out & let the hair down. Del thinks its a good idea too.

Have a good day people. U know I will.

-J

Well today's song is.....Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of your life).

Tuesday evening.....again.

So this evening was a good one. Had class..went good. Dave said I was steaming so that means I got a good work out. Julie really knows how to make me burn. I cant lift my arms past my head and after 50 crunches with a 10 pound medicine ball....I'm in pain. It Feels good.

After I visited my good buddy Del. He said I'm making progress and is happy to see me take action. Says the meds I'm on are helping me to regain focus. I agree 100% In a positive way. Talked a lot about the parents. It's a touchy subject but good to release some of it.

After I lost a friend. Sadly but I'm not gonna dwell on it. She knows I love her and someday the situation will change. I have faith. Enough said.

Moving on.

Had a fun time with Scott. Got coffee and talked. Went for a river walk. It was nice to see my old pal. We made plans for this weekend. Lily and I are going to go over to his and Nat's place. Should be fun

I'm glad to be home. I'm feeling very positive today and this train will keep on a rollin this way!! Moving on and moving up.

Song for the remainder of the evening.

Billy Joel - Only the good die young.

Tuesday evening.

Today at work was dreadfully slow. I really hate it whens its slow.

I have class in a little bit. Gonna go get knocked around a lil bit. Can't wait. I also have therapy tonight. Del and I are going to chat it up.

Kamecia wanted to take Lily over to Michelle's parents on Friday. I don't think its in her best interest to be put back into a situation that she's already having a hard time adjusting to. It's really sad...the whole thing. I feel really horrible that Lily is caught in the middle of this. It's really fucking lame actually. She was the one who walked out on us. We never left. Lily will not be hurt by this situation again and as a father I will make sure of it. So I said no; its not a good idea & she better respect that.

Maybe someday but not right now.

The song for the evening is...deftones - be quiet and drive

Monday night & Tuesday morning.

Last night I cleaned my room & hung in it for the first time in a long time. I have “reclaimed” it as my own. I spent all evening watching X Files. It was chill. I’m starting to get sick; I can feel it. Need to rest more.

This morning is slow. It needs to pick up the pace.

Check in later.

Peace.

JM

This morning’s song is……Rancid- Fall Back Down.

Walking for truth. Walking with a purpose.

Sunday 12/07. I went for a walk for about an hour or so. I drove to Starbucks, got a large (I refuse to say venti) Pumpkin Spice Latte. Headed downtown. I parked across the street from the old court house. My feet felt light last night. No stress in my soul. Fate had me head down by the river. I walked along the new river path. I emptied my heart, soul & tears last night. Lit a few smokes. God was by my side.

I left a few mementos in the river, some reminders of the past. It was a beautiful evening. Cold & I can see my breath. This is my kind of winter.

I’m waiting for a lovely young lady to call me back. Gonna go get some dinner hopefully. Maybe we’ll walk. I enjoy walking & it would be nice to share the dim lights with someone who would understand.

Cause you don’t.

I purchased the new Dustin Kensrue album. It’s a Christmas album. My kind of Christmas album. Check it, It will brighten your soul.

Gonna go get punched tonight. God I love it.

Have a good day people.

Song of the day.

Atmosphere – Say Hey There.

STFU & Listen.

the ring...

....is at the bottom of the Napa River.

God Speed.

John.

Fairytale of New York.

It was christmas eve babe
In the drunk tank.
An old man said to me, "Wont see another one."
And then he sang a song,
'The Rare Old Mountain Dew.'
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you.

Got on a lucky one,
Came in eighteen to one,
I had a feeling
That year's for me and you.
Said 'happy Christmas,
I love you baby.
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true.'

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
Its no place for the old
When I first took your hand
All your fingers were blue
But I promised you Broadway was waiting for you.

I was handsome,
You were pretty;
Queen of new york city.
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more.
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing,
And we kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night.

And the boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing Galway Bay,
And the bells were ringing out
For christmas day.

The apartment was cluttered,
And it smelled like the gutter
Where my sad broken promises
Lay with the trash.
Every cold dreary night
We'd end up in a fight
And I'd pray as you'd yell
That a train'd rattle past.

I could have been someone
You said "So could anyone,"
And that I took your dreams from you
When first you found me.
But I kept them with me babe,
I put them with my own.
I cant make it all alone
I built my dreams around you.

It's Christmas eve again, in the drunk tank.
I'm an old man now, I won't see another one.
So I'll a sing a song, and sleep when I am through,
And dream of another life, where all our dreams came true

song of the day.

Enjoy.

What time is it?? TOOL TIME!!

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes, testing our communication
the light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
we cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
no fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication.

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the the math enough to know the dangers of a second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

cold, cold, cold,
Cold silence has
a tendency to
atrophy any
sense of compassion.

between supposed lovers.
between supposed lovers.

I know the pieces fit.
I know the pieces fit!

AH SHIT. lol.

Today is dealing with car companies & the bank. A payment was reversed for some unknown reason (banks fault not mine) and my car might get taken as a result. I don’t really care. I can’t really afford this car anymore anyway. It’s sad to admit that but I think I’m in way over my head. I might haft to let it go.

Worse has happened to me. I’m still young and can fix my credit but I’m in a little too deep.

Sucks.

Other than that I’m feeling ok. Tired but I think my meds a kicking in. The waves of emotion are no ware near as intense & frequent. THANK GOD!! Relief is a good thing!

Bye Bye.

John

At home time.

Home?? I don't really call it that now.

But move on time.

Ready for class tonight. I'm going to enjoy punching and getting punched. Its a kind of pain I have come to rather enjoy. Tim thinks its funny. He said that people like me are people to fear. We have nothing to loose and determined. I'm training hard for my fights commin up soon. Tonight is gonna be a ball buster. EXCITED!!.

Nice to see my buddies lately. Love you all.

Todays song is Perseverance by Hatebreed.

Enjoy.

Wednesday work.

Feeling good today.

I think the meds I’m on are starting to kick in. I’m on 4 Anti- Depressants now & one insomnia/panic attack med. Weird to think about but its nice not to bee so lost in the fog.

Got some sleep last night; that’s a good thing. I’m going to move back into my room again. I hate being cold in the living room. Therapist says if it’s not helping sleeping in the living room…at least be comfortable & sleep in Ur room.

Have a good day all.

Inferno.

Just thoughts.

Hello All,

Today I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist this afternoon. I’m kind of nervous about it. Don’t know why.

Lately I have been feeling like the worlds biggest moron/idiot. Why?? Well I’m truly in love with someone who doesn’t give a shit about me anymore. It hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. I don’t understand anything about her or what’s going on. All I do is keep faith, pray & have hope.

See I think god had her in my life for a reason. I have known since I was 16 years old that she was going to be in my life and she was my soul mate. Now it’s hard/weird to finally admit this. Out loud it sounds weird I know. But it’s true. I remember so clearly when she used to come into Ben & Jerry’s & Villa Corona. The talks we had, the butterfly’s I would always get when she would come in. It was nice. Obviously she was way to young at the time but when Nick & Nicole dragged me out of my apt to a Halloween party. My eyes looked into her beautiful eyes. It was the best day of my life (besides Lily’s birth). I meet someone who helped me find my faith in a lot of things again. God, Love, Life & Myself. Someone so amazing & beautiful walked into my life & helped me to see. Just as soon as she walked in; she’s now gone.

I don’t understand how she can say she doesn’t want love in her life. How 2 years amount’s to nothing.

Well it amounts to a whole hell of a lot. Wile she can pack up pictures (that mean a whole hell of a lot to me BTW) & let them collect dust. I won’t.

“I will stand here waiting, with my eyes fixed on the road. I will fight back tears & wonder, if you’re ever coming home. Don’t you know girl that I love, so please come home. Please come home.”

I’m changing for me. I’m tired of being a pathetic person.

Ready, set, go.

John.

Here's looking at you, Kid.

You can tell Michelle, if she calls,
That I'm famous now for all of these rock and roll songs.
And even if that's a lie, she should've given me a try.
When were kids on the field of the first day of school.
I would've been her fool.
And I would've sang out her name in those old high school halls.
You tell that to Michelle, if she calls.

And you can tell Michelle, if she writes,
That I'm drunk off all these stars and all these crazy Hollywood nights.
That's total deceit, but she should've married me.
And tell her I spent every night of my youth on the floor,
Bleeding out from all these wounds.
I would've gotten her a ride out of that town she despised.
You tell that to Michelle, if she writes.

But boys will be boys and girls have those eyes
That will cut you to ribbons sometimes.
And all you can do is just wait by the moon
And bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.

You remind Shell, if she asks why,
That a thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.
I heard she lives in London with the cool,
Goes crazy over that London scene on Paris Avenue.
But I used to wait at the diner, a million nights without her,
Praying she won't cancel again tonight.
And the waiter served my coffee with a consolation sigh.
You remind Shell, if she asks why.

You know it's hard to tell you this.
Oh it's hard to tell you this.
Here's looking at you, Kid.

Night Falls (The Weight Of It)

The room fills up with water and the roar of the crowd died down, they didn't hold their
breath, they just waited to drown.
Now I'm just the ghost in the corner that nobody knows. I'm just the chill in the air that
comes and cuts you to the bone.
I've never seen it shine so bright here before.
I stumble blind into the light of it all.
The walls of this city are all cold metal and stone, but we're nothing permanent we're just
soft skin and bones.
I'm just the pins and needles attacking your toes.
I'm just a message you saved in your phone a long, long time ago where I'm singing how I've
never seen it shine so bright before.
I stumbled blind into the light, the light of it all.
You've never seen it shine, so hard before-
You'd crumble underneath the weight, the weight of it all.
I'm always with you.
I never left you alone.

Todays thoughts.

Ended.

She ended us.

Monday night at home.

So work was interestingly boring today. Orders are slow. Sucks...i like it whens it's busy. Keeps my mind going....it doesn't have time to settle and come back to reality.

I'm feeling very in the way of everyone lately. Like I'm just a bother to talk too. I'm probably just being too sensitive. I tend to do that every now and then.

I'm hoping to meet up with Richard tonight, he's back in town for Thanksgiving. We're gonna meet up. Hopefully. He's very sad about Shell and me. He has always loved Shell & said I'm my happiest when she's around. I agree.

Trying to keep the head up, stay strong and focused. I keep saying my prayers asking for guidance, strength & for Shell & I to work this out.

Song of the night....is......Deftones - Xerces. This was one of our songs.



Gotta go to class soon. I can't wait to get punched in the face. Makes me feel alive. Weird I know.

Peace.

John.

Love is life.

I've got enough wood and nails here I've collected through the years
to build a few sturdy walls to keep us safe from all my fears.
My insecurities are promises I was born to keep;
you know I live just to die for my beliefs.
Well, I believe in myself and I believe in you,
if it's the last thing we both do, let's take a good, deep breath - remember this...

Love is life, this love is my life... and in you I have all I need...
I think we could stretch this out forever,
like a blanket in the sand and we could learn a couple dances,
we'll do them hand in hand until we end and even after -
'cause death can't tear apart these two hearts sewn together,
meant to be this from the start.

In sickness and health and all that we've been through,
if it's the last thing we both do, let's take a good, deep breath - remember this...

Love is life. This love is my life... Love is a long way to fall...
Love is life. This love is my life

Monday lunch time.

So I went home for lunch. Nick & Nicole were there. I felt like I was in the way....so I left. Thats how I feel about everything right now. In the way.

"Hot / Cold (Darling, Don't)"

You said your hope was lost. My eyes were stinging hot.

The first of the tears to fall hurts the worst of all.
I had it all planned out, what I was going to say.
But then that lump in my throat stole my words away.

Darling, if nothing else, I know that this is true;
I'd have nobody if I don't have you.
But you said your hope was lost, my eyes were stinging hot,
the first of the tears to fall...

Have you given too much away?
Are you giving us up?
Did the going get tough this time?
Don't give up on us.

I said, "look at the map on the wall, put your fingers on where we are,
no matter where I go we're just an inch apart."
You interrupted and said, "not that old speech again! -
If we're just an inch apart, then reach out and grab my hand." -

Have you given too much away?
Are you giving us up?
Did the going get tough this time?
Don't give up on us, don't give up...

I know that this is true, at least it used to be,
you'd have nobody if you don't have me...
And didn't we say forever?
Didn't I promise you?
Didn't we say forever?
Darling don't... darling, don't.
We didn't come this far just to throw it all away.

Have you given too much, Darling?
Are you giving us up?
Did the going get tough this time?
Don't give up on us.

Monday break time.

Today I'm just feeling all together weird. I don’t know how to explain it, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack any moment. I don’t like it at all.

Maybe something good will happen today.

Hopefully.

Sunday morning.

This morning I'm feeling really down. I'm just wanting to be held and embraced. Loved again. I can't stop thinking about her and me. It's really painful. I'm trying to stay positive and strong. Sticking to my game plan is what i need to do. Sometimes I cant stop my brain from over thinking things.

I'm so lonely. I miss her.

Saturday at home.

didn't end up going to reno. Had to pay some bills.

Keeping the head up and cleaning.....alot of it too.

Alvie.

Hello & welcome to my blog.

Anything discussed here is for my sanity. An outlet some would call it. I do not wish to offend nor anger anyone but this is mine. And I will say what I want.

Today I'm feeling good. Trying to keep the mind fresh and focused. Letting go of my.....expectations and moving with time. I’m not letting myself to over think things or allow it to go into dark thoughts world. I need to stay positive and remember life is on my side. To be open and ready for good things to come (hopefully good things).

Last night I was left a note from a girl who lives in the apartment complex I live in. She asked me if I was interested in getting dinner sometime. Nick spent sometime attempting to convince me it’s a good idea. I don’t think so. I think it send’s the wrong message if I were to do so and I don’t need/want to get dinner with anyone. I want to heal myself, heal my relationship with Michelle & get back on track with Lily. I just need to stay focused on my goals.

John’s Goals:

1. Get help to stay in the positive frame of mind. I need to “re-wire” my hard drive to process & handle situations differently. My reactions to things aren’t good at all. I need to change!!
2. Get help with my feeling’s about the accident. It’s still something I think about often.
3. Deal with a lot of the issues brought on by childhood.
4. Hopefully repair my relationship with Michelle. I know god had us find each other for a reason.

Today’s song of the day is Alive by POD. This song is really helping me to stay focused & feel good about myself.



Be safe & I love you all.

Peace,

John.
AKA The Inferno.