Here's looking at you, Kid.

You can tell Michelle, if she calls,
That I'm famous now for all of these rock and roll songs.
And even if that's a lie, she should've given me a try.
When were kids on the field of the first day of school.
I would've been her fool.
And I would've sang out her name in those old high school halls.
You tell that to Michelle, if she calls.

And you can tell Michelle, if she writes,
That I'm drunk off all these stars and all these crazy Hollywood nights.
That's total deceit, but she should've married me.
And tell her I spent every night of my youth on the floor,
Bleeding out from all these wounds.
I would've gotten her a ride out of that town she despised.
You tell that to Michelle, if she writes.

But boys will be boys and girls have those eyes
That will cut you to ribbons sometimes.
And all you can do is just wait by the moon
And bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.

You remind Shell, if she asks why,
That a thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.
I heard she lives in London with the cool,
Goes crazy over that London scene on Paris Avenue.
But I used to wait at the diner, a million nights without her,
Praying she won't cancel again tonight.
And the waiter served my coffee with a consolation sigh.
You remind Shell, if she asks why.

You know it's hard to tell you this.
Oh it's hard to tell you this.
Here's looking at you, Kid.

Night Falls (The Weight Of It)

The room fills up with water and the roar of the crowd died down, they didn't hold their
breath, they just waited to drown.
Now I'm just the ghost in the corner that nobody knows. I'm just the chill in the air that
comes and cuts you to the bone.
I've never seen it shine so bright here before.
I stumble blind into the light of it all.
The walls of this city are all cold metal and stone, but we're nothing permanent we're just
soft skin and bones.
I'm just the pins and needles attacking your toes.
I'm just a message you saved in your phone a long, long time ago where I'm singing how I've
never seen it shine so bright before.
I stumbled blind into the light, the light of it all.
You've never seen it shine, so hard before-
You'd crumble underneath the weight, the weight of it all.
I'm always with you.
I never left you alone.

Todays thoughts.

Ended.

She ended us.

Monday night at home.

So work was interestingly boring today. Orders are slow. Sucks...i like it whens it's busy. Keeps my mind going....it doesn't have time to settle and come back to reality.

I'm feeling very in the way of everyone lately. Like I'm just a bother to talk too. I'm probably just being too sensitive. I tend to do that every now and then.

I'm hoping to meet up with Richard tonight, he's back in town for Thanksgiving. We're gonna meet up. Hopefully. He's very sad about Shell and me. He has always loved Shell & said I'm my happiest when she's around. I agree.

Trying to keep the head up, stay strong and focused. I keep saying my prayers asking for guidance, strength & for Shell & I to work this out.

Song of the night....is......Deftones - Xerces. This was one of our songs.



Gotta go to class soon. I can't wait to get punched in the face. Makes me feel alive. Weird I know.

Peace.

John.

Love is life.

I've got enough wood and nails here I've collected through the years
to build a few sturdy walls to keep us safe from all my fears.
My insecurities are promises I was born to keep;
you know I live just to die for my beliefs.
Well, I believe in myself and I believe in you,
if it's the last thing we both do, let's take a good, deep breath - remember this...

Love is life, this love is my life... and in you I have all I need...
I think we could stretch this out forever,
like a blanket in the sand and we could learn a couple dances,
we'll do them hand in hand until we end and even after -
'cause death can't tear apart these two hearts sewn together,
meant to be this from the start.

In sickness and health and all that we've been through,
if it's the last thing we both do, let's take a good, deep breath - remember this...

Love is life. This love is my life... Love is a long way to fall...
Love is life. This love is my life

Monday lunch time.

So I went home for lunch. Nick & Nicole were there. I felt like I was in the way....so I left. Thats how I feel about everything right now. In the way.

"Hot / Cold (Darling, Don't)"

You said your hope was lost. My eyes were stinging hot.

The first of the tears to fall hurts the worst of all.
I had it all planned out, what I was going to say.
But then that lump in my throat stole my words away.

Darling, if nothing else, I know that this is true;
I'd have nobody if I don't have you.
But you said your hope was lost, my eyes were stinging hot,
the first of the tears to fall...

Have you given too much away?
Are you giving us up?
Did the going get tough this time?
Don't give up on us.

I said, "look at the map on the wall, put your fingers on where we are,
no matter where I go we're just an inch apart."
You interrupted and said, "not that old speech again! -
If we're just an inch apart, then reach out and grab my hand." -

Have you given too much away?
Are you giving us up?
Did the going get tough this time?
Don't give up on us, don't give up...

I know that this is true, at least it used to be,
you'd have nobody if you don't have me...
And didn't we say forever?
Didn't I promise you?
Didn't we say forever?
Darling don't... darling, don't.
We didn't come this far just to throw it all away.

Have you given too much, Darling?
Are you giving us up?
Did the going get tough this time?
Don't give up on us.

Monday break time.

Today I'm just feeling all together weird. I don’t know how to explain it, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack any moment. I don’t like it at all.

Maybe something good will happen today.

Hopefully.

Sunday morning.

This morning I'm feeling really down. I'm just wanting to be held and embraced. Loved again. I can't stop thinking about her and me. It's really painful. I'm trying to stay positive and strong. Sticking to my game plan is what i need to do. Sometimes I cant stop my brain from over thinking things.

I'm so lonely. I miss her.

Saturday at home.

didn't end up going to reno. Had to pay some bills.

Keeping the head up and cleaning.....alot of it too.

Alvie.

Hello & welcome to my blog.

Anything discussed here is for my sanity. An outlet some would call it. I do not wish to offend nor anger anyone but this is mine. And I will say what I want.

Today I'm feeling good. Trying to keep the mind fresh and focused. Letting go of my.....expectations and moving with time. I’m not letting myself to over think things or allow it to go into dark thoughts world. I need to stay positive and remember life is on my side. To be open and ready for good things to come (hopefully good things).

Last night I was left a note from a girl who lives in the apartment complex I live in. She asked me if I was interested in getting dinner sometime. Nick spent sometime attempting to convince me it’s a good idea. I don’t think so. I think it send’s the wrong message if I were to do so and I don’t need/want to get dinner with anyone. I want to heal myself, heal my relationship with Michelle & get back on track with Lily. I just need to stay focused on my goals.

John’s Goals:

1. Get help to stay in the positive frame of mind. I need to “re-wire” my hard drive to process & handle situations differently. My reactions to things aren’t good at all. I need to change!!
2. Get help with my feeling’s about the accident. It’s still something I think about often.
3. Deal with a lot of the issues brought on by childhood.
4. Hopefully repair my relationship with Michelle. I know god had us find each other for a reason.

Today’s song of the day is Alive by POD. This song is really helping me to stay focused & feel good about myself.



Be safe & I love you all.

Peace,

John.
AKA The Inferno.