Great expectations, we had the greatest expectations

Mary, this station is playing every sad song.
I remember like we were alive.
I heard it Sunday morn' from inside of these walls.
In a prison cell, where we spent those nights.
And they burnt up the diner where I always used to find her.
Licking young boys blood from her claws.
And I learned about the blues from this kitten I knew.
Her hair was rabid and her heart was like a tomb.
My heart's like a wound.

I saw daylights last night and I dreamed about my first wife.
Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you.
I saw daylights last night and I dreamed about my whole life.
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?

Mary, I worried and stalled every night of my life.
Better safe than making the party.
And I never had a good time, I sat my bedside, with papers and poetry about Astella.
Great expectations, we had the greatest expectations

I saw daylights last night and In a dream about my first wife.
Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you.
I saw daylights last night and I dreamed about my whole life.
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?

It's funny how the night moves.
Humming a song from 1962.
We were always waiting... always waiting.
We were always waiting for something to happen.

I saw daylights last night and In a dream about my first wife.
Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you.
I saw daylights last night and I dreamed about my whole life.
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?

Today I feel horrible about everything.

Had my first panic attack in a long time, I also haven’t taken my meds in a few days. Ran out & can’t afford to get refills. Shit I can’t afford anything right now. Rent, Daycare, living, anything. I can’t even afford to go to the doctor to get me knee, jaw & ear fixed.

I’m so beyond fucked but it’s my fault. I bit off more than I can chew & have no one to turn to for help. I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone, to ask advice...anything.

I simply don’t know what to do.

I just want to crawl in a hole & die. That’s it.

Never to be seen again.

Have a good fracking afternoon John.

yesterday.

I thought I saw you yesterday but I didn't stop cuz you was walkin' the opposite way.
I guess I coulda' shouted out your name but even if it was you I don't know what I would say.
We could sit and reminesce about the old school. Maybe share a cigarette cuz were both fools. Chop it up and compare perspectives.
Life, love, stress and setbacks yes.
You could tell me how hard you had it. And you can show me all the scars to back it. And we can analyze each complaint. Break it down and explain these mistakes I make.
I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry but you knew me back when I was a younger me.
You've seen John in all types of light and I've been meanin' to ask you if I'm doin' alright.

Yesterday was that you? Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do.
Take a breathe, reflect on what we've been through or am I goin' crazy cuz I miss you?
Yesterday was that you? Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do.
Take a breathe, reflect on what we've been through or am I goin' crazy cuz I miss you?

I'm shook, I know. I pushed when I shoulda' pulled. Took it all back if I could. I put that on my soul.
And I would make a top-notch good listener and keep the block off a little time to give it here.
Since we went our seperate paths I've hit a couple of snags that remind me of the past. I can't front, I'm having a blast. But damned if I ain't afraid of how long it's gonna last. Sittin' here wishin' we could kick it. Givin' me your opinions. I do miss the criticisms.
I didn't mean to be distant. Make a visit. I wait up and keep the coffee brewin' in the kitchen.
But who am I jokin' with? There's no way that you and I will ever get to re-open it.
It doesn't matter this is more than love and maybe if I'm lucky get to see you out the corner of...

Yesterday was that you? Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do. Take a breathe, reflect on what we've been through or am I just goin' crazy cuz I miss you?
Yesterday was that you? Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do. Take a breathe, reflect on what we've been through or am I just goin' crazy cuz I miss you?

And when you left I didn't see it coming. I guess I slept. It ain't like you was runnin. You crept out the front door slow and I was so self absorbed I didn't even know. And by the time I looked up it was booked up. Put it all behind you the bad and the good stuff.
A whole house full of dreams and steps. I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept. You disappeared but the history is still here. That's why I try not to cry over spilled beer. I can't even get mad that you gone. Leavin' me was probably the best thing you ever taught me.
I'm sorry.
It's official.
I was a fist-full.
I didn't keep it simple.
Chip on the shoulder. Anger in my veins. Has so much hatred now it brings me shame. Never thought about the world without you and I promise that I'll never say another bad word about you.
I thought I saw you yesterday.

Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do. Take a breathe, reflect on what we've been through. Or am I just goin crazy cuz I miss you?

if i get any more stressed I'm going to vomit all over myself then collect said vomit & coke on it.

till i die.

the end.

But I'd rather be working for a paycheck, Than waiting to win the lottery.

This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning?
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up

And you said
"This is the first day of my life
Glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me

Ok I'm a 14 year old girl apparently.

Cause I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this song!!!

Why is it so damn catchy?





How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time.

Nor can I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride.
No, not this time.
Not this time.

How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well.
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue.
Just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are,
If you're a man at all.
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own.
(I'm screaming, "I love you so.")
On my own.
(My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well, yeah.
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.

Yeah. Yeah.

How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well.
I think I know.
I think I know.

There is something I see in you.
It might kill me.
I want it to be true.

he's writing again.

Two songs in the works. Very country/folk style.

Please see lyrics below.

Song 1. Titled: I like it when it rains.

V1:
An empty static on the screen, don't mind me.
I got a one way ticket, some place called home.
I'm just dying to see, dying to breath.

You've got nothin to offer me babe.
All the made up hope's, our so called dreams.
Mean's nothing to me.

Honestly your lost to me, to lost to see.

Chours:
Take one last look now, my darlin.
Angels wings don't interest me.
Tell all you're friends it was just a dream.
Cold sweats & all those fears, was just a dream.
One bad dream.

V2:
Empty photos & long rides home with me, heavy heart.
For reasons unknown, so selfish to see, me standing on Main St.
And I shout "all the kids were right".
So long, good night.
And I shout " this ain't right"


Chours:
Take one last look now, my darlin.
Angels wings don't interest me.
Tell all you're friends it was just a dream.
Cold sweats & all those fears, was just a dream.
One bad dream.

Bridge:
I gotta a new face now with nothing to prove.
Rapture burnt my heart in two.
I can't wait for you to see the stronger me.
The one that walks away.
Is it easy, is it easy, is it easy.
Well it is for me.

Chours:
Take one last look now, my darlin.
Angels wings don't interest me.
Tell all you're friends it was just a dream.
Cold sweats & all those fears, was just a dream.
One bad dream.

On too song #2. This one is a work in progress. Needs more lyrics. This is what I got so far.

Titled: There's a hole in my bucket.

V1:
Well there's a hole in my heart
An I don't miss it, I don't miss it.

Well there's a hole in my soul
But I don't need it, I don't need it.

Chours:

There's a hole in my bucket, my bucket.
Well there's a hole in my bucket, my bucket.
& I'll fix it with you.

hahahaha makes me think.

make sure to listen close. You might miss the little message.

yeah you.

This is really cool!!

What I would give to see him in teal!!

This is amazing. AO has got to be the best goal scorer in the NHL. Crosby, Malkin, Lecavalier, Kane, Iginla, Thornton, ECT are all really good but this guy can blow all of them out of the water.

Best player in the league.

Followed by Big Joe of course!!

A weekend warrior.

Yep. I'm now a weekend only dad.

Feel's soooo fucking great.

(Please make note that sarcasm is being used.)

Song of the morning Cold - Gone Away (A Song For Starr). I know what you meen man, i feel it.



Do you pray in the night?
Can you appreciate the winds?
And I won't care, or fight.
I need you close to sing, it's the same beginning

Gone away,
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away,
It's my whole life in words

And I can't breathe when you cry
But I'll be there to hold you tight
And I would kill, I would fight
To keep you close, I keep singing the same way
I won't live if you died
If I could feel you in the wind
And this is me, it's my life
I need you close to sing, it's the same beginning

Gone away,
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away,
It's my whole life in words

Gone away,
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away,
It's my whole life

And I can't sing,
And I don't know ,
I'll fall,
I'm gone,
And I can't sing,
And I don't know.
I'll fall,
I'm gone,

Gone away,
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away,
It's my whole life in words

Gone away,
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away,
It's my whole life

Today.

Ever feel like you're not good at living?

That's the feeling today.

It's a great feeling.

I approve this message.

I draw them on wreckless,
Etched in,
Scratched in like resurrection.
Your sins are killing you and you can bet they'll get me too.
I've got to give some to get some.

Mining in the river, standing in the rain.
Down on your knees while you heave at the drain.

You can lead a whore to water and you can bet she'll drink and follow orders.
And I said, Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you needed?
Give it some more time.

Tonight I'm going to a party, but it's already started without me.
I aced philosophy and mastered the art of spiritual phrase.
I've got to give some to get some.

The disco ball spins away another year.
I wish you a broken heart and a happy new year.
Only three words come to mind (true till death)

You can lead a whore to water and you can bet she'll drink and follow orders.
And I said, Is this what you wanted?
Huh?
Is this what you needed?
Give it some more time.
Some more time.
Yugh.

Ooh.. Restrain.
Where would you fear would you be?
How the fuck can I please and then clean?

Only three words come to mind [true till death].
Pray when you did what you said.
Death makes you kneel at the great.
All I had to say I did say.
When all you do is scream at the drain.
You F- ugh.

You can lead a whore to water and you can bet she'll drink and follow orders.
And I said, Is this what you wanted?
Cunt, Is this what you needed?
Give it some more time.

the soul, the screen, the smoke in between.

Sorry for the lack of communication.

I have been busy.

I’ve been moving into the new place. I stayed there all weekend. It’s sweet!!

It really feels like home there & I’m really enjoying it!!

Umm had to have work done on the car. Cost more than I thought sucks but what can you do right??

For Valentines Day, I did two things worthy of note.

1. I took my valentine Lily to go see Coraline. She loved it times 1000000 and I did too. It’s a cute movie!! This weekend we’re going ice skating. She’s a cutie and deserves to have a lot of fun.

2. I threw away a lot of pictures, notes, letters, cards, toys, books, and some champagne flutes. Anything that is a reminder of Michelle & I, I got rid of. The ring is now at the bottom of the river. I thought it deserved to rest somewhere beautiful. It’s a new time in my life. I don’t need to be held back & all the negative energies are not welcome in my new home. Plus Nick told me to stop being a pussy.....so I took his advice.

What’s next?? Ummm Mario is a piece of shit. He’s a petty, chicken shit smuck.

Next.

I really like my neighbors!! They are the coolest people. Last night Phil & Luca got me to join World of Warcraft!! It’s SOOOO much fun!! It’s cool because Tommy, Phil, Luca & I party up & play. Also, Ashley joined WOW too!! Hella funny!!

I should be done with a new song soon. I have a little writers block but I’ll figure it out.

Now….Enjoy The Twilight Singers – Bonnie Bare. This song was played really loud on repeat Saturday. It made the mood just right!! Like Coach Taylor says…..

…Clear Eyes, Full Hearts. Can’t loose.

Later friends.

-J



there was a rapture, so i can never see you anymore
nightmares believable, walking into sweet oblivion
i'm not saying it's easy, to feel it all nor not at all
when somebody say, lay down your gun
and when you lay it down, get ready to run

situation dire, it's gone away, it's not going away
since you're wasting time again, my friend
on bonnie brae, on bonnie brae

if she's your master, then get down on your knees and beg for more
i'm not saying it's easier, to live your life like her little whore

'cuz when you play with fire, take your fate, it's not going away
situation dire, on bonnie brae
on bonnie brae, on bonnie brae

the soul, the screen, the smoke in between
the rise, the fall, the thrill of...
the first, the last, the sins of the past
the burn, the fade, the skin that you've flayed
come see, the sun, kill everyone
but me, i'm free indubitably

"the most powerful of lights"

"In fearful day, in raging night, with strong hearts full, our souls ignite! When all seems lost in the War of Light, look to the stars, for hope burns bright!"
-- Blue Lantern Corps oath




"At the end of the war with the Sinestro Corps, former Guardians of the Universe Ganthet and Sayd used the emotion of hope to create the first blue power ring, thus creating the Blue Lantern Corps. The first Blue Lantern was shown to be an alien named Saint Walker, who came to the aid of the Green Lanterns after they were ambushed by Atrocitus and the Red Lanterns. The second Blue Lantern was shown to be Warth, an elephant-like creature who was selected by Saint Walker.[34] A blue power ring has the ability to heal wounds, neutralize the corruptive effects of a red power ring and can recharge a green power ring to twice its maximum power level.[28] A blue power ring feeds off the hope of other beings, as shown when Saint Walker and Warth use their rings to reverse the age of a dying sun 8.6 billion years and their rings feed off the hope of the billions of alien beings who witnessed the act. The home planet of the Blue Lanterns and the Blue Power Battery is the planet Odym, a beautiful and diverse planet orbiting the star Polaris. The emotion of hope is described as "the most powerful of lights" by Saint Walker, implying that the Blue Lantern's rings are the most powerful yet."





I think I would be a Blue Lantern.

Feels good don't it??

Ahh....slow days at work....they are sometimes nice.

Tonight more boxing things up & moving.

Looking forward to class tonight, I like being punched in the face. Its weird...but it makes me feel more alive. Makes me feel like...some kind of rush. I rather enjoy it. Tim says it’s a primitive instinct inside men that sometimes needs to be worked.

I put together my “custom” work out plan for tonight. It goes as follows.

1. Warm up: Leg raises forward, back, side to side 30sec each position.
2. Cardio circuit time.
a. Start with 50 low jumping jacks & 100 normal.
b. Bag work (wearing 50lbs weight vest & 5lbs wrist weights):
i. 15 sec all out.
ii. Rest for 5 sec.
iii. 30 sec all out.
iv. Rest for 5 sec.
v. 1 min all out
vi. Repeat x 3
c. Next move to 50lb throwing bag.
i. A low controlled squat, pick up & slam bag down.
ii. After bag has been slammed, sprawl & to knee each side of the body.
iii. This is done for 2 one min intervals (30 sec break in between).
3. Abb, Arms & resistance work
a. Done with a partner. 75 Crunches with a 10lb Medicine ball. Partners stand 3ft back toss’s ball. You catch wile you do the crunch, come down & let the ball touch the ground over you’re head. Crunch up & toss back.
b. 25 Hammer/ 25 slap crunches. Wile crunching up, partner hits your abb.
c. 50 squat’s with 10lbs Medicine ball. Make sure to keep head up & back straight. Bend the knees.
d. 10 pull ups hands inward. Center with chin.
e. 10 pull ups hands facing out. Shoulder with apart.
f. 12 each arm resistance cord. Pull down to hip starting from center chest
g. 15 heal raises.
4. Boxing time.
5. Stretch out the body for 15 mins.

Try this & let me know how you feel after.

Have a good day fuckers.

- j




lead me around
nurse my broken wing
with all the promises
you can never honor
I just dont care enough
to react to vain attempts
sent only to perpetuate
one's selfish little world
you wont see what ive become
youll wait and watch and still
youre only let down
a violent reaction
struggling only to keep myself alive
now here I stand
for nothing no one at all
I lead you down
begging to touch you in the cold
you give me a reason
I will not be the one
through all the nonsense
there is a constant
you wont see what ive become
youll wait and watch and still
youre only let down
cause this feeling
has dawned the face of you
a violent reaction
struggling only to keep myself alive
you wont see what ive become
cause this feeling
has dawned the face of you
a violent reaction
struggling only to keep myself alive

AHH Real Monsters.

Today is slow & wet.

Lame.

Gonna do alot of packing this afternoon/evening.

EXCITING.

Kitchen has been painted....looks super good!!

Lets see.....anything else??

ummm...can't think of anything sooooo take it away Jigga Man.

Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

I feel pretty god damn good lately. Nothing to complain about really.

Good new is I got my new apartment!! FUCK YEAH!!! Time to turn in the 30 day notice & start moving shit!! I’m so ready to get the fuck out of my old place and into the new one!! I’m super excited. I also got a new car. Well….not new but new to me. Thanks Mew for the help!! Been spending time with Scott & Jill. She’s a super fun chick. Lucky bastard!! Been good thou, getting my swagger back. Fuck the past, time to show em all what having the inferno is all about. Fuck whoever/whatever gets in my way. You will be out of it; I’ll make sure of that.

Being true to my moniker, living with this intensity is a blessing and curse. But its time for some good. I’m ready life;

I’ve learned a few things.

I do not need to lie to myself to make it thru a day. I’m stronger than you, stronger than most people around, maybe not in body but heart & mind.

I got you beat.

Let’s see what else?? I have a knee injury that won’t seem to heal. I’m going to have an x ray done. I need to see what the damage is & how to rehab it.

Ummm….what else. Heroes, Friday Night Lights & Battlestart have been badass!! I really enjoy all 3 of them right now. I also just started watching Dead like Me. God damn is this show great!!! I love it.

Big game for the Sharks against Boston tonight, I’m looking forward to watching it. Go team teal!!!

Peace you sick twisted freaks.

-j

Take it away Hova.

This is a personal statement song. Yes it’s like that thank you very much, FUCK YOU very much.



Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

.......puff.....

....i hate music sometimes.

like right now.....

Drain the Amnesty.

Man glad last week is over.

On to hopefully a better one.

Good Super bowl yesterday & the Office right after was fucking FUNNY!!! The fucking cat falling out of the vent is classic.

Been doing pretty well lately. Just remembering to breathe and have fun.

The only thing is this anger likes to rear its ugly head at weird times lately. I’m struggling not to bite everyone’s head off cause I want to. I think a lot of it has to do with new emotions (FYI not about any of you so fuck you. Lol jk.) I’m working thru. New situations, people, ECT. I just need to breathe & keep up with the training. The knee is feeling a lot better so I can start running again. Well got to consult the trainer first.

It should be fine. Better be fine.

On to the music…..I m going with two songs cause….well …I can.

Norma Jean – Amnesty Please



The Distillers - Drain the Blood